Creating Better Relationships
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The most important achievement you can ever have
in this life is your own happiness and the majority of all the happiness you
will ever have will come from your personal relationships. Your interactions
and the time you spend with the people you care about will be the major source
of the pleasure, enjoyment, and satisfaction you have on a daily basis.
The key to a happy family life is communication
and the amount of time you spend with the people you love. It is not the
quality of time, but the quantity of time that counts. The expression “quality
time” is used by people to justify and excuse the fact that their lives are so
disorganized that they do not spend much time with their spouse or their
children. The fact is that quality time is a function of quantity. Quality
moments are those little moments that are precious, unexpected, and important.
They arise during the process of spending a large quantity of uninterrupted
time with another person. You can’t dictate these moments in advance and you
can’t decide to have quality time. You don’t go to it. It comes to you.
There are many ways to get the greatest amount
of quality and happiness from your relationships with the members of your
family. Perhaps the most important is to spend uninterrupted time with your
spouse on a daily basis. You should set aside time together each night to talk
after your children have gone to bed. But, it is equally important for you and
your spouse to take some time every morning to communicate and interact as well.
Studies have shown that one of the most
important things a man can do in a marriage is to help out with the various
household and family responsibilities. Help prepare the meals, or take over the
responsibility of cleaning up afterward. Help to get the children ready for
school or for their activities, and take them there personally so that you can
have one-on-one time with them.
One of the most important things that couples
can do is to spend the first 30 to 60 minutes after work talking about how
their day went. When they come home, many men have the habit of talking about
their own days and then watching the television or reading the newspaper, while
their wife is left to deal with the children and prepare dinner. And this
inevitably causes stress and problems in the relationship.
The key to your emotional stability and peace of
mind is happiness and harmony within your family. So if you’re a man, take the
time to ask your wife about her day and then listen to all the things that she
has to deal with before you start talking about your day. Most men are
surprised when they first do this. They find that their wife’s day has been
equally as interesting as their day has been, if not far more interesting.
One of the most common problems in any
relationship is stress. Stress often comes about because we think we know our
spouse really well. This knowledge can become a dangerous thing. It can become
a communications trap and cause a great deal of stress in a relationship. A
communications trap is when we try to read our spouse's mind and then interpret
and anticipate what he or she is feeling.
For example, we will often see an expression on
our spouse’s face that we think we recognize or we think we hear something in
his or her voice, and then we act on what we assume he or she is thinking or
feeling. But, often, these assumptions aren’t reflective of what our spouse is
actually feeling. In other words, we’re acting on misinformation.
It is important in any relationship to be able
to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Between what you actually see and
hear, and what you imagine or assume you see and hear. Just because your spouse
might have a frown on his or her face, don’t automatically assume something is
wrong. He or she might just be thinking or contemplating about something. And
if you keep pushing to find out what is wrong, you will often cause unnecessary
stress and a problem.
If you see your spouse’s arms crossed and his or
her lips curled downward don’t automatically assume they’re angry. Instead of
automatically assuming your spouse is angry or upset about something and then
asking what he or she is angry about. Imagine how you feel when you have your
arms crossed and you lips curled down. Are you upset, angry, or just lost in
thought? Think about how you would feel before you start making any
assumptions.
When we first met our spouse, we loved him or
her, even with all their bad habits. We overlooked the fact that he or she was
sloppy or always late, and we focused on the things we loved about him or her.
But now, five, ten, or twenty years later, we do the opposite. All we can see
is the mess, or that our spouse is always late, or whatever the problem is. We
forget, or more often take for granted all the things we loved about that
person. This focus on the negative begins a vicious cycle in which we see only
the negative, and then feel that’s all there is to that person, and then the
relationship begins to spiral downward.
When this happens, take the time to sit quietly
by yourself and remember what things were like when you first met you spouse.
Remember all the things you loved. Remember the things you did together that
were really fun. Ask yourself, how long has it been since you told your spouse
what you appreciate about him or her. Then, after dinner and the kids have gone
to bed, unplug the telephone, go to a nice relaxing place in the house, and
tell your spouse what is on your list. Tell him or her some of the things
you’ve been taking for granted, some of the things you’ve been overlooking in the
relationship.
If you do this, and remember all the things you
really love and appreciate about your spouse, and then take some time to talk
to him or her about them, the results will be wonderful.
One of the keys to a happy relationship is to
never make assumptions based on what you think a person’s body language is
saying. Remove the mind reading and guesswork out of your communication. Don’t
be a mind reader. Instead, be a curious observer.
Your children have a tremendous need to
communicate with you. In fact, research has shown that the one factor that is
more important than any other in the development of children is the amount of
one-on-one time that parents spend with their children. When parents don’t
spend a lot of time with their children individually, they send a message to
their children that they are not very valuable or important. This causes
children to experience feelings of inferiority, low self-esteem, and a negative
self-image. And this will often lead to poor grades and behavioral problems.
When parents take the time to sit down with
their children and ask questions and listen to what is going on in their minds,
the children will feel a deep sense of value and importance. The children will
have more self-confidence, happiness, and be better able to develop good
relationships with others.
We have to remember that we are all value
creators in everything we do. If you own a business, you have to create value
for you employees or they will not continue to work for you. You have to
continually create value for your customers or they won’t continue to do
business with you. The same is true in your relationships, whether it is your
spouse or a close personal friend. You have to constantly create value for the
other person and satisfy their needs or they won’t stay in the relationship.
About the Author
Copyright©2005 by Joe Love and JLM & Associates, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide.
Joe Love draws on his 25 years of experience helping both individuals and companies build their businesses, increase profits, and achieve total success. He is the founder and CEO of JLM & Associates, a consulting and training organization, specializing in personal and business development. Through his seminars and lectures, Joe Love addresses thousands of men and women each year, including the executives and staffs of many businesses around the world on the subjects of leadership, achievement, goals, strategic business planning, and marketing. Joe is the author of three books, Starting Your Own Business, Finding Your Purpose In Life, and The Guerrilla Marketing Workbook.
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